My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
