Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
