My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
