Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
