What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
