I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
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