I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
