I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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