listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
