It's a beautiful day for a hangover
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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