I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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