Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
