new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You made out with two different species that night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
