My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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