I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
