Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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