Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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