i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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