apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Watching her eat just hurts me
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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