'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
