The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
