your thong is hanging out like whoa
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
