You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
