The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.