i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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