I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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