please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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