Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
