I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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