I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
