You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
