He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
