I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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