did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
