Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
