hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
