mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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