She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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