how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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