i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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