Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
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