successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
