u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
