I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
