i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
