I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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