and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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