so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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