Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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