yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
