How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
