You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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