I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
